=Simply Rowan Atkinson=

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Despo... ...

Geez, my entries are getting more and more "wordy"... Hopefully no one gets bored after reading. Haha.

I am recently in the "craze" of searching for options which will enable me to change for a better course. Whenever I logged online, the first thing I would think of is to search for opportunities and solution(s).

Although I had been repeating myself numerous times about changing courses (Since Year 1!), I can't believe I'm really taking action- finally.

Yes. I submitted enquiries a few days ago, and another e-mail today to my school's Admissions Office. I poured out my woes, described my current situation, and sounded quite desperate for assistance.

Finally- after waiting for what seemed like centuries, I got a reply from the school.

Disappointment.

I was told that I could apply under the DAE (Direct Admissions Exercise), but with a distinction in Mathematics if I did not meet the eligibility grade for English. (It is like exchanging Mathematics grade with English's.)

But the MAJOR problem I'm facing now is, BOTH MY ENGLISH AND MATHEMATICS GRADES DO NOT MEET THE REQUIREMENTS!

I feel so lost... I had attained "B" grades for my other subsequent subjects, such as Combined Humanities and Art. The only consolation I have currently is my A grade in my Chinese Language. (Which I'm happy with it.)

But will they care about my grades for the other subjects? The only thing that is of importance to them are the grades for English and Mathematics.
I really feel like banging against the wall when I think about my English grade. I've never thought that I will fall into the hands of English in "O" levels.

That is why the only choice for me is to retake the subject again in 2009 as a private candidate.
Indeed, time and tide waits for no man.

I will face the fate of watching all my friends graduate, while I'm still desperately seeking for assistance.
A lot of people have been advising me to continue with my current course, and bear with it for another year.

I do agree, but nothing is gonna hinder me from seeking other courses. I will not be giving up total hope - yet. However, I am now in the risk of retaining should I fail any of my modules.
That was the most worrying part. If the unfortunate happens, I will jolly well quit my course. I really could not bear to see myself repeating the same module for another year again.

I feel like I've changed- for the worst.

In the past during my primary and secondary education, I will never be this desperate - no matter how tough studies may be. Problems such as hating school, quitting studies and such were totally out of the question.

Little did I know that I will take the wrong route after my "O" levels, and become what I am now.

Honestly speaking, I could not keep up with the pace of my lectures, and I already feel the "disconnection" from my classmates.
I know I would've at least attained a PASS grade should I work harder, but where am I going to find the motivation if my interest is JUST not there?

I'm beginning to isolate myself in class, and even I myself dislike my attitude towards studies. I shouldn't be like this. But I'm really at a loss. Life is really going downhill when one loses total interest in what he/she is doing now.

I'd cried, and even had silly thoughts of opening my classroom window to jump down. (On a second thought, I may end up paralysing myself instead as my classroom is only at the 4th storey =_= Ahh, well..)

But OF COURSE, all these are just IMAGINARY. (I believe a lot of people- maybe even YOU-bear suicidal thoughts when encountering life at its lowest peak, right?!) In fact, there's a report in Shin Min Daily News today, about a boy resorting to suicide when he couldn't get into his desired choice of something he was interested in. He was in a similar situation as me, in terms of doing something that are of no interest to him.

BUT WAITTT!!!

I do treasure my life, and committing suicide because of studies is just PLAIN silly. (What do you think you are, Experience Product Design?!)

Furthermore, I wouldn't have the guts to. (But sometimes I really hope to end all these. My future is at risk, for fear of my career. WHAT and WHERE am I going to be, 10 years down the road?)

I see no point in studying a course which does not cater to my passion and interest! Yes, I envy all my classmates who can "tahan " till this stage. Well, kudos to you.

Looking at it in a more optimistic-ally way, maybe this is just part and parcel of my life. Its just an obstacle that I am fated to overcome it myself, and whether or not I can change it depends on me, myself.

I am determined to pursue my dreams and interest in every mean(s) possible!

P/S: I am sorry for posting such emotional entries nowadays. I could no longer feel the cheerful-ness inside me @ school. I lose my temper easily, and became such an obnoxious girl. Yesterday, I resulted to a pathetic stage of having to find a group for an upcoming project-when everyone else had already found theirs.
Of course, who wishes to be in the same group as me? Pathetically, I was the last one in class with no group at all. My classmates had to resort to drawing lots, etc, mainly because of me. If I have a choice, I will just tell my lecturer to let me have my work done individually, or rather, give me a flat 0 grade. (But he had said it was impossible since it is a major project.)

I was then pressured by my classmates to choose between them. I was in a state of confusion, and broke down unwillingly. I did not mean to cry, but I'm really feeling sorry for myself for going through such unneccessary hassle - just to form a group.
People tend to get the wrong idea of me, being a lazy, dependant-on-groupmates girl. Let me tell you, I am NOT! I also can't help it if some group members do everything by themselves beforehand, right?

I will SHOW you what I'm really made of. SCREW YOU.

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Name: Catherine
Singapore Polytechnic-DXDIP
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