=Simply Rowan Atkinson=

Friday, June 12, 2009

Demoralized... ...

Sometimes... somehow, I just feel very empty, blank, sad and demoralized. Thoughts of keeping a private blog to store all my thoughts often cross my mind as I do not want to "dampen" the mood of this blog.
I don't know why, but I am starting to hate everything, especially my personal life.

"Mummy, I don't want to live anymore." That was what I told my mother this afternoon, and almost broke down.
Often, people will say that life is precious, and we are to treasure it. But will anyone want to be ME? Is my life even precious?

There are several cases when it was proven that I am the CAUSE of a lot of things. In other words, I JINX people. I don't want to believe that myself... I really don't. But can you deny facts? (I always tried to console myself and it works. But this time, it doesn't anymore.)

Why does everyone seem to be leading a normal life while I don't? Why am I always "coincidentally" the cause of things? Why am I always the slowest and stupidest amongst my peers? (Note: I don't say these because of WHAT I THINK. I said them in regards to PROOF.)

Why do people accomplish tasks that I can't (even though I tried hard)? Why do people have at least a talent or something that they are good at- and I don't?
Why do I always turn out to be the "weirdest" and "most unimportant" of all? A friend had told me not to take it personally when something I minded happened, but can I not?
Why am I always the weakest link? I cannot even sustain anything, be it knowledge, luck or even happiness. No wonder I am often the loser of everything. I can give my word that any competitor is ELATED to have me as an opponent.

Now that I have spat the truth out, will anyone still want to be my friend? I am really not what you guys think I am. So you think I am that happy-go-lucky girl with that "heck-care" attitude, who always laugh my troubles away?

How I wish I am. Sometimes, what you see on the cover may not be what you expect on the inside.
Who can understand my feelings and pathetic life?

Will the world be a better place without me? Well, wait... ... I don't think the world even recognizes my existence anyway.
I know I will probably send some of my friends worrying by publishing this entry, but I really need to voice out my overwhelming REAL, INNER emotions. I do understand that everyone goes through ups and downs in daily life, but what I am going through is complicated. So complicated that I do not even know how to put them in proper words.

If you are a guy friend of mine and has ever confessed your feelings for me before, I am glad I rejected all of you. Forget about it, I can never have a relationship or marriage. Happiness in my life is really short-lived.

I am sorry and grateful to some of my friends whom really appreciate my existence. (You know who you are! Thanks so much.)

For your information, NOTHING HAS HAPPENED that caused me to write this entry. Maybe I am possessed by a devil who enjoys watching me like this.
I think I need to engage in more social activities to prevent myself from thinking too much. I am absolutely feeling useless.

What I need in life is really simple. Why can't I just have them, like everyone around me does?

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Name: Catherine
Singapore Polytechnic-DXDIP
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