=Simply Rowan Atkinson=

Monday, August 25, 2008

ARGH

*Warning: Long pouring-out-of-feelings-post without pictures. Carry on reading if you are bored enough.*

The submission of my school projects have "officially" ended today.
And I am definitely not amused nor contented with what I had to hand in, because I got a non-submission record for something that I had done, just because I missed the submission time by 20 minutes!

Its not as though I can't submit on time, (in fact, I've even gotten my stuff ready to hand in) but I was oblivious that the lecturer was collecting them quietly at the back. Before that, I asked shrek if she had handed in, but she hadn't, so I waited... and waited till I missed the deadline time, and GOT THIS SICKENING "NON-SUBMISSION" thingy.

And my presentation thereafter did not go smoothly as well. Ayu (my group member) was quitting the course and yesterday was her last day in school. We had our last presentation with her, and we weren't in a good mood to begin with. Thus, the presentation went sort of bad, with our lecturers disappointed in us.

We were reprimanded by the lecturer about the lousy work we produced with the 15 weeks given. I heard him sigh, and ignored us as we dealt with other lecturers.

Our final product model was seen as a "Quick and dirty model" by the lecturer. Oh gosh.

Okay, maybe we deserve it as we did not put in enough effort, but we did spend quite an amount of money in the purchase of the materials. (In this course, how well can we do without money?)

During my secondary school days, I used to have this naive thinking:

"Aiya, can enter poly can already, don't care what course. No passion also can nurture one."

I wish someone could just knock me out of my senses and jerk me awake during that time. The truth hits me one day when I realised I couldn't quite cope well with the course I had got into. Passion can't be nurtured so easily as I thought. I know my real passion lies in other areas, but I just couldn't meet the requirement points for my O levels.

Seeing that all my classmates are coping well, I can't help but feel a tinge of disappointment in myself. Honestly, anyone can see that the work I produced look "forced", something which doesn't showcase my true ability at all. I really lack the passion to continue, and yet I yearn to get a diploma. I'm stuck nowhere in the middle, and will definitely feel lost if I were to face the fate of being "kicked" out by the lecturer next year.

I was on the verge of quitting my current course last year, as I always found myself in depression during one project. I cried of stress (which I seldom do), and even cried during showers. (Anyone who knows me well know that I do not usually cry over work due to my "heck-care" attitude) But it was over the limit during Year 1. Not only do I have to go through all the expense of getting the work done, but the stress of it. I discussed with my parents about the quitting of the course, and they respected my decision.

However, I could not get myself to quit. For all of my schooling years since young, I've never given up halfway in regard to education. On the other hand, I did not like the idea of having to make new friends all over again when I was already contented with the friends and classmates I already had.

Of course, I have got my lecturers to thank, too, as I was being given a pass grade (despite my low GPA) and promoted to Year 2. I got the lowest in class, but was glad that I was promoted still.

Now that I am in Year 2, I tried to give my best, but still failed to produce good results. Okay, I admit I have myself to blame. To be so lazy when everyone is working extremely hard. But I really don't quite enjoy the course pretty much without the passion.

Just like love, passion cannot be forced. Everyday, I feel like a souless creature, with only my body sitting in class, while my soul is somewhere else. My focus and concentration just isn't there, and yet I am stubborn enough not to quit the course despite the extent.

It's only a matter of time that my lecturer be kicking me out of the course, I need to think up of a backup plan-- now...

(Maybe I will be intending to take the O level examinations all over again to get better grades)

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Name: Catherine
Singapore Polytechnic-DXDIP
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